Fun With Craigslist

As you might know by now, Craigslist is the go-to place for everything you could possibly want or need to complete your life. Jobs, roommates, apartments, husbands, wives, crystal meth and crack-feuled sex romps with prostitutes of all varieties; you could even trade your iPod for getting your kitchen painted . It's all there.

And so, bored as I was of submitting 100 resumes to which no one ever responds (I think my emails must have begun to emmit the foul and unsettling stench of my panic and desperation after about the 38th request for an interview), I decided to wander over to Rants and Raves, which mostly contains the musings of borderline, and in some cases, full-fledged sociopaths. I found that wallowing in the cesspool of incessantly racist and misogynistic "observations" of pathetic souls can be not only entertaining, it really makes me feel better about myself when I'm feeling particularly low. Occasionally, I'll come across a piece of comedy gold, which explains the nasty picture at the top of this post. Believe me, once you read this, you'll agree that it's the best descriptive photo to accompany this entry:

APOLOGIES TO THE MUGGER LAST NIGHT IN CENTRAL PARK (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: (Censored)
Date: 2009-01-15, 3:35PM EST


I was the white guy with the leather Yankees jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by some island looking bar, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of numbers from your cell. They'll be to see you about threatening our new president soon. I'm sure they have a few questrions about islamo-fascism for you... i think I mentioned guns. AT&T just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I also made some (like 93) threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out.

I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry.

Peace!


I swear, this made my day. I hope it made you smile too.